Fibromyalgia: A spouse's perspective

So life has been interesting since the last time I was able to post on the blog. Every time I thought about the blog I felt bad for not posting, but life just got so crazy, and instead of expressing on the blog what was going on, I just kinda bottled it up. Call it suppressing, call it fear, I dunno something just kept me from sharing. Maybe because other blogs sound so happy and I didn't want mine to be the opposite. But after some time to think and pray and reflect, God brought a central passage for a retreat I spoke at this winter to the fore front of my heart:

18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1Jn 4)

So writing in the face of fear, I wanted to write about a condition that my wife was diagnosed with recently and how it has affected both of our lives.

So cute <3

This is my wife Charlene. Around this past Christmas, Charlene was diagnosed with a disorder called Fibromyalgia. Mayo Clinic describes the disorder which is "characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain processes pain signals." Basically, she experiences chronic pain all the time and any additional pain stimuli is amplified, sometimes severely. This diagnosis relieved and frustrated us at the same time. relieved us because for the longest time we didn't know what to think about Charlene being ill all the time, we also didn't have an answer for the depression she was experiencing, which sometimes made her feel like she was going crazy. So it was a relief that she was finally properly diagnosed. It was frustrating because there is currently no cure for the disorder and the only way to manage the pain is to live a healthy lifestyle (which means sometimes working through the pain), and learning how to manage the stressors in her life. 

The one thing that makes it frustrating for me is that this disorder is what some people term as "invisible". This means that it's hard to tell that there's anything wrong with the person unless they say there's something wrong. Charlene has suffered more than her fair share of emotional and physical pain as a result of her fibromyalgia, but when you're married, there's often another person who can go through a whole different array of symptoms, that person in this case being me. I took Charlene's disorder hard. When Charlene quit her job last April due to the stress of managing the job and her at the time undiagnosed disorder, it required me to pick up another part time job to make up for losing her source of income. As a result, I lost a good portion of time that I would dedicate to school and my church ministry. My grades started to slip and my ability to maintain my duties and care for others at church started to diminish because everything seemed to pale in comparison to my suffering wife at home. I battled with issues of inadequacy. I felt inadequate as a husband because I didn't feel like I could every be understanding or responsible enough to care for my ailing wife. I felt like a subpar student because I was failing a class (though I admit to being underachieving, subpar..no), and don't get me started about how I felt about church ministry and being a pastor. So I would bounce back and forth from resentment to guilt. If you have experienced any of these, you are not alone.

I'm not writing this to take away from Charlene's experience. People with these invisible disorders need support, but everything that I just described about my experience can be what potential caretakers and spouses will experience. So it's important to take into consideration. I just wanted to say a couple things to anyone who's caring for a loved one who has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia or any invisible disorder: 1) You are not inadequate. You're just learning to deal with a new development in your relationship with the person you care for. 2) Don't quit. If and when you are able to overcome the ridiculous notions of inadequacy, you will realize that your loved one needs you and appreciates you more than you know, and sometimes more than they are physically able to show you. All you have to do is continue to give it your best and pray that God will give you peace and deal with the rest. Stressing about shoulda, woulda, coulda and becoming depressed yourself is a quick way to burn out. 

Last thing: I love my wife. She's still the second greatest thing that happened to me (first being Jesus). We appreciate everyone's prayers and awareness is always important. 

Blessings~!